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daniellclausen

The Lexical Funk!

Daniel has wanted to be a writer ever since he was in elementary school.He has published stories and articles in such magazines as Slipstream, Black Petals, Spindrift, Zygote in my Coffee, and Leading Edge Science Fiction. He has written four books: The Sage and the Scarecrow (a novel), the Lexical Funk (a short story collection), Reejecttion (short story/ essay collection), and The Ghosts of Nagasaki (a novel).

The Good, Good Advice -- An Excerpt from The Underground Novel: An Alternative Guide to Life After Graduation

The novel in short: A new graduate and his monkey must navigate the world after graduating college. Also, a guide to life after graduation.


9- And Now the Good, Good Advice

 

First, the Good, Good Advice:
Watch Booty Call twice. Not once. Twice.

 

Now, the Good, Good, Good Advice:
If you didn’t get it the first two times, watch it again.

 

The Good, Good Advice on Dating:
Oh, yeah, you should definitely do it, but bring Tylenol.

 

The Good, Good Advice on Vengeance:
(Steps 1-3)
If you’re going to do it, do it effectively and with style. Step 1, create a budget. Make sure your Vengeance doesn’t infringe on any of your other expenses. Creating a budget allows you to keep your Vengeance within your means. Step 2, create a schedule. Nothing can be more embarrassing and frustrating than claiming Vengeance and not having the time to follow through with it. That’s why it’s important to create a schedule and stick to it. Step 3, create an integrated plan. Make sure this plan fits both your schedule and your budget. Plans of Vengeance can be single faceted or be multifaceted, depending on your resources, your time restraints, and of course, your own particular tastes. Single faceted plans tend to be simple, straightforward and relatively unproblematic; however, if you are planning a multifaceted Vengeance plan, you need to make sure your operation is integrated. Each part of your plan needs to compliment the other if full Vengeance is to be realized.

 

The Good, Good, Good, Good Advice on Vengeance:
When all else fails sleep with his or her sister.

 

Now, the Good, Good Medical Advice:
When you get that feeling, you really do need sexual healing.
Now, what’s “that feeling?” Nausea. Sore muscles. Headache. Sore throat. Broken bones. Diarrhea. Dizziness. Depression. Manic episodes. Multiple Personality Disorder. Obsessive-compulsive Disorder. Snake bites. Flea bites. Man of War stings. Shark bites. Mosquito bites. Anthrax. Malaria. Skin Cancer. Breast Cancer. Carpal-tunnel syndrome. Vertigo. Scraped knee. Scraped elbow. Gunshot wound. Blisters. Melancholy. Flatulence. Awkwardness. Boredom. Kidney disorder. Liver disorder. Bleeding from the ear. Bleeding from the nose. Lice. Torn ligaments. Skull fracture.

 

The Good, Good, Good Medical Advice:
“That feeling” also includes: ingrown toenail, lower back pain, shoulder pain, alcoholism, gall bladder disease, hearing loss, osteoporosis, seizures and epilepsy, serious abdominal cramps, not-so-serious abdominal cramps, attention deficit disorder, constipation, chest pain, hepatitis A, B, C (and sometimes D, E, and F), cramps, toothache, lazy eye, bad vision, good vision hearing problems, dry scalp, itchy scalp, arrogance, pretentiousness, anger, pregnancy, happiness, sadness, restlessness, sleepiness... Contact your doctor for more information.